


Can't Keep My Hands To Myself

by commanderogerss



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Priests, Cunnilingus, F/M, Fellatio, I'm Going to Hell, Light BDSM, Oral Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Priest Kink, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, slight daddy kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 01:58:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7665901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commanderogerss/pseuds/commanderogerss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're not tired and you need to find something to do, but you make your way to your childhood church and find Father Haywood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Keep My Hands To Myself

**Author's Note:**

> I have not been to a catholic church so this is all probably 100% wrong, and the plot is ridiculous. Look we're all just here for the smut, lbh. This isn't beta'd, but there isn't any spelling mistakes so ???
> 
> Just an AU where Ryan is a priest.

Religion has never been your favourite. You grew up with a catholic mother and an atheist father (how they work, even God doesn’t know). Your parents didn’t really push you from one side to the other, and sure you went mass whenever your mum went but you didn’t pay attention to the sermons that the priest was giving.

As you grew older, slowly distancing yourself from religion, not that it was bad for you, just that you didn’t have enough time to pray and to confess your sins, you had way too many to count by the time you were in your early twenties. And sure, on the off chance you pass by a church you visit it, sit in the pew and feel the catholic guilt set in.

One day you’re visiting home, your parents still married as ever, and in love with each other like the first day they met. You stayed in your old bedroom and sighed staring at the ceiling not feeling ready to sleep. So off came your pyjamas and on came your regular clothes. Sitting in the car as you make your way around town looking at the old places you would go and hang out with friends and do all kinds of crazy stuff your grandmother would have a heart attack if she heard of it.

But of course, the one place you go to is the local catholic church. Because why not right? It’s 12 am and what better way to spend your holiday but by sitting in the church pews. A deep breath in, and a deep breath out. Who knew you would be more nervous about this then you let on, acting like you would burn in an eternal flame if you set one foot in there.

Sitting in the pews was like nostalgia hitting you in the face. You remember the days of just sitting here and not listening, just looking around and seeing the stained glass, the statues of angels and Jesus. Your mother would snap you back into reality and make you listen to the priest. Your head bowed as you look at your hands, resting in your lap, your leg bobbing up and down. You’re in your own world, before you feel someone tap on your shoulder. Jumping out of the pew as you’re scared someone might be mugging you, or killing you, you let out a loud yelp.

“Fu-” but before you can finish that you cover your mouth realising where you are. Then you hear a chuckle, it’s sweet and it almost has a child like giggle to it. You turn around to look behind you, a man dressed in priest's clothing with wire framed glasses. His hair almost falling in his face before he catches it and pushes his hair back. “I’m-I’m sorry,” you mumble.

“It’s quite alright,” he says patting your shoulder. There’s a pause between the two of you and you don’t know what to say, “what brings you here my child?” He asks, ‘ _God, could he be more cliché?_ ’ you think to yourself.

“Couldn’t sleep, thought I’d take a drive around town, ended up here,” you say looking around you indicating by here you mean the church. The priest nods his head, he moves around the pew to come sit next to you, your body twists so it’s now facing straight ahead. “So you’re not looking for confession?” He adds.

“Not that I’m aware of father. I haven’t done it in some time by now,” you say with a shrug. The man looks older than you, but he shouldn’t be too far off, maybe ten years or so. You can’t deny that he looks attractive. You lick your lips and sigh.

“You can call me Father Haywood, or Ryan,” he says with a chuckle, the same chuckle as before. You were slowly falling for his adorable laugh. “Would it help if we did it?” He asks, you look up and forget what he’s talking about.

“Oh, uhh-” you paused thinking about his question, _confession_. “Might be a good place to start,” you admit.

Following the priest, you make your way through to a room, much different to the confessional booths then you’re used to. It’s much brighter in here now and you can see Father Haywood - or Ryan - much more clearly now, he has stubble, his hair is thin but still falling on his face. He’s wearing his priest's robes, sans the crucifix around his neck. You can see a bit of blue jeans poking out the bottom of the robes, you couldn’t help but slightly giggle to yourself. Ryan caught on and came a blush on his face.

“It’s a bit… different. The head honcho wanted to modernise it,” he admits rubbing the nape of his neck. You nod your head, looking at it confused, “you just have to sort of go on your knees-” he coughs before continuing, he acts almost like he’s nervous, like he’s never done this before, “resting your hands and elbows on the little table here, and I sit on the chair,” he finishes his instructions. You do as you're told.

“So how do I start this? Uhm, forgive me father for I have sinned,” you start off, excellent.

“What is it my child that you have come here to clear your thoughts?” He asks, you cough and sigh.

“Well first off, I want to hit whoever designed this contraption, at least the knee padding helps,” you pause and think about what it is that you need to confess. “I’m not as pure as my mother would want me to be, wait, I won’t go to jail for anything I say right?” It’s been longer than a few years and you’re very rusty. You hear the same chuckle.

“No, you can tell me you murdered someone and I would be sworn to secrecy, nothing leaves this room,” he says. You hum, thinking of what needs confessing.

“Well in that case, okay joking,” you giggle to yourself but you’re sure father ryan can hear you and he sure as hell has fallen in love with that laugh as you have with his. “I must confess, I have done some things I know my mother wouldn’t approve of, I’ve smoked weed, I’ve drunk alcohol underage, and I’ve had premarital sex,” you admit.

“Right,” is the only thing that he says.

“I can’t help it you know? People are so interesting, they’re so beautiful. I love the way penises just ooze with cum, and vaginas are just so pretty and so delicious,” you say almost salivating at the thought, people were just way too attractive for you and you can’t stand it.

“Anything else to add?” His voice has changed, you can’t see much through the grated makeshift wall.

“I touch myself, a lot. If I’m not having sex, then I’m touching myself. Sometimes I can’t wait to get home just so I can strip naked and touch myself.” Maybe you were going overboard with this. But he needed to know everything right? A shiver comes down your spine as you hear a sharp intake from Father Ryan. “I think that’s it,” you say more to yourself.

There’s silence between you, you don’t know if he’s fallen asleep or he’s died.

“Uhm, Father Ryan?” You ask curiously, tempted to peek around the makeshift wall but decide against it just in case it’s frowned upon. You hear almost a moan, and you don’t know if it’s coming from you.

“You can continue, please,” he finally says, almost like he’s begging, pleading for you to do it.

“About me? Well I think about girls and guys a lot, sometimes together, sometimes not, I use toys when I want-” you pause trying to think of what else to say but nothing is coming to you. Is this helping towards the whole ‘I have done a very bad’?

“Fuck” you hear, and this time it’s not from you.  
  
“Father Ryan?” You ask as you curiosity takes the best of you as you peer around the corner to see Ryan’s head tilting back, his robes, still on him, yet have opened and is falling around the chair, his arm is going up and down, and then you see it, you see his penis. An audible gasp comes from you. Ryan pipes his head up and looks at you, with a facial expression mixed with shock and arousal.

“Fuck,” he repeats himself, a red tinge falling on his face, his brow lined with sweat.

You couldn’t believe this, but at the same time even with you documenting your sinful antics made you at least a little bit wet, and a lot interested in Father Ryan Haywood. You crawl over to him and sit between his legs, almost like you were a cat begging your owner for food.

“May I?” You ask pointing to his penis and all he simply does is nod. It might’ve been a bit silly in retrospect, but you want to be clear that you weren’t taking advantage of the poor guy.

Opening your mouth you take it in, going deeper each time you come back for more. Ryan’s hand instinctively goes towards your head, wrapping his fingers in your hair, guiding you to go deeper until the tip of his cock touches the back of your throat. You quickly pull up and use your hands, mimicking what you saw of his hands. Pumping up and down.

Ryan is making soft groans and loud moans. His head knocked back before getting back into a normal position to look at you, like you’re beauty and grace, like your Mother Mary, except without looking angelic you have his cock in your hand as you’re trying to make him climax.

“Fuck, fuck,” he says. The way he swears turns you on, the fact that this man is supposed to represent Christ, he’s representing religion. But he’s swearing because of how good you are and you couldn’t help but be happy with yourself.

Taking him in your mouth again, hollowing out your cheeks as you come back up, Ryan bites his lip as you stare up at him. He can’t speak, his mouth just gaping open and closed, his hands force your head down, feeling the tip of his cock again hit the back of his throat and then a loud groan comes from him, feeling something drool down your throat. His moans are inaudible, moaning for more. You remove your head as you cough and try not to vomit, you see some more of his cum on the tip and you clean it up, Ryan visibly shivers from the sensation. You move back and sit on your knees, watching the priest regain control of his own body.

“Was that too much?” You ask with a smirk. Father Ryan shakes his head, he obviously enjoyed it if he can’t talk.

A few seconds pass and he sits up. He walks up to you and kisses you feverishly, like your kiss is the only thing that can save him. Your arms crawl around to his neck as you hold onto him tightly, both Ryan and yourself opening your mouths and letting your tongues in. Exploring and dancing all at the same time. His hands move their own way around your body as he finds your belt of your jeans, un-clipping them, then the buttons pulling them down with your help. You decide to get naked completely, pulling off your top and your bra. He looks surprised.

With his hand on one breast, his mouth falls on top of the other one, his tongue going in circles and biting at your nipple. He does the exact same thing with your other breast, his hand massaging the soft tissue with his thumb running around your nipple in circles, using his thumb and index finger occasionally to grab and pull at it. Your moans become a little bit louder. Hopefully no one can hear you scream.

“You, sit!” He exclaims pointing to the same chair he was on before.

“Wouldn’t I burn in an eternal flame for sitting here?” You ask with a slight chuckle, he looks at you like you’re an idiot.

“No, it’s just a chair,” he says as he guides you to sit down.

This was certainly something you could live with, but you didn’t realise how much you would actually be into fucking a priest. You regulate your breathing, his head moving between your legs, kissing your inner thighs changing between your left and right, biting at them occasionally before he begins blowing on your clit softly. A shiver runs through you as you moan, your hands going to his head.

With one lick of your clit, you were butter. His tongue moves slowly, up and down. Your hips bucking, wanting more of his mouth. Ryan pressed his hand against your hip, and you whimper and moan.

“Please father,” you beg. He looks up at you with a quirk of the eyebrow, but you don’t notice as your eyes are closed and you bite your lip. He makes a deep hearty chuckle before going back to your cunt and lapping it up. Going up and down, his index finger making its way to insert itself inside of you and thrusting slowly.

Your face contorts, feeling the pleasure and the sin for this adventure. Gasping for more like you're gasping for air.

“Fuck,” you moan out. Ryan’s teeth lightly bite and suck at your clit, your moan growing louder as you feel yourself closer and closer. His thrusts become much faster as he adds a second finger and curling to hit your g-spot. With each thrust you get closer and closer until you break.

“I’m-” but you couldn’t even finish your sentence before you moan out in pleasure. Screaming Ryan’s name in pure lust as he silences you with kisses, riding out your orgasam on his fingers, he takes them out slowly and spreads them looking at the cum on his fingers. You open your mouth and he gives you both fingers to suck on.

“I’ve never met someone as dirty as you,” he whispers in your ear almost sounding like a growl. If you weren’t already wet, that would’ve been the last straw. Ryan gives you more kisses and you smile into it.

Father Ryan stands up, but picks you up with him and leaning you against the wall. You were shocked by the strength he has. Your arms find themselves wrapped around his neck and your legs around his waist, whilst his hands were around your waist. He slowly hovers you over his cock, but you plead, wanting it.

“You want this?” Ryan asks you and you nod her head.

“Please father, please give me your-” you were cut off with a kiss and a shock, feeling his cock inside of you. Both of you moan at the feeling. Ryan’s thrusts get quicker and quicker, you kiss him again and again, giving him short quick peppered kisses. Everything is going by so fast.

Deciding to move, he holds onto you tighter and sits on the seat, with you on top of him you smirk, your hips circle, you watch his face move into different positions. His eyes open and looks at you like you’ve done something very bad. You giggle and thrust your hips up and down, rubbing your clit and moaning at the sensation. Ryan’s hands on your ass, he slaps your left cheek then your right cheek and he repeats it. Maybe doing on cheek more than the other, your moans escape your body. Your back arches, feeling yourself come close with each moment.

Then it happens, you arch your back as you feel yourself come a second time, moving your body up and down faster as you ride out your orgasm, feeling Ryan pulse inside of you, groaning. You collapse onto him, your breathing trying to catch up. You lift yourself up off of his penis but collapse back down. Ryan holds onto you as he himself tries to find a normal breathing pattern.

“You were good,” he says to you with a smirk, breathing heavily in between each word. You giggle slightly.

“Well, thank you father, I do tend to pride myself on that,” you say with a smile.

The two of you stay like that for a while before you clean yourself up and change into your clothes. You don’t really say much to Father Ryan except for a,

“We should do that again sometime.”

You give him a wink and he nods his head he follows you out to your car and with a wave, you drive off back home to fall asleep. Father Ryan makes his way back into the church and sits in the pew he found you in.

“Forgive me, for I have sinned,” he whispers to himself.

Religion changed you.

**Author's Note:**

> The confessional seat is modelled after this one https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/25/Confessional_Modern.jpg which is a more modern confessional compared to the small cramped rooms.


End file.
